Honouring My Mother In Law

My Mother In Law is a very dear lady who would laugh at the simplest of things and worry about the smallest tiny problems regarding her children. To my husband, she has the pillar of support all his life until he married me. She is simple minded and kind. She does her tasks well as a mother. 

Although she nags a lot, probably out of needs to have someone listens to her, she still holds the family together by insisting on family dinners and festive celebrations. The family together-ness owes a lot to her. 

The special gift I gave her on her 73rd Birthday in 2016, was that I decided to solve her Gregorian birthdate mystery for her. She knew her Chinese Calendar date and the year that she was born but not the Gregorian date. 

Lo, I found out that she was born on 3 November 1943 and it was a Wednesday, I told her that she has triple "3" in her birthday, 3/11/43 and on Wednesday. 

Butter Cake Sweet Memory of mum

My Dearest Mum,

It is 4th August and two days before my 22nd Wedding anniversary, and ten months since you left us for glory. I must say, I still miss you. I think of you lesser and the heart is not so sad or heavy as before but don't get it wrong, mum, that I have forgotten you or missed you less. Missing a person is like keeping the person in a special place in our hearts, it is like never to let go, although physically it is a separation for we cannot see each other as we want it. But keeping in our hearts is a deeper feeling, we still feel connected deep inside.  It is kind of 

Little things and incidents in life remind us of you, what would mum do ? As events unfold in our life, we still think of you, what would mum say ? Often, your candid and funny jokes and tales still come up at our dining table. Dad would join in with a bit of cheer. He loves to hear your jokes and tales. To hear us, your children still talking about you and what would you do or say in certain situations is assuring for dad, that we have not forgotten you. 

On 1st July, it would have been your 79th birthday on this earth, I was not able to wish you Happy Birthday on facebook or whatsapp. To me, once we miss the opportunity while one is still alive, some opportunities are just gone. I just could not do it, perhaps one day, I will be able to do that. 

I thought of you twice this week, last weekend I baked Butter Cake since 1992 ? Just kidding, I mean since a long time ago, I have been baking Rich Cakes, Sponge Cakes, and all sorts of cakes but not Butter Cake. When I smelled the Butter cake, I remember you as you only baked Butter cakes and you used to bake the yummiest Birthday Cake without icing and brought to our Kindergarten classes to celebrate our birthdays ! We were very proud kids to have home-made birthday cakes. 

Then Andrew talked about visiting Labuan for a short trip and we were talking about duty-free alcohol and chocolate and I mentioned textiles is cheaper too. Then I told them before I got married in 1994, 22 years ago, you and I went for a trip to Labuan in early 1994 to buy textiles for my wedding needs. I bought the entire household curtains (7 large windows) textiles from there and both you and I managed to buy our evening gowns materials, mine was cream colour, mum was maroon red. To both of us, it was excellent deals. 

Mum, you have always been a good sport for us. You were always gamed enough to try something new with short notice and planning, you could just join the band wagan and go along with the no-plan game plans. You enjoyed the delights of little things in life. To me, you were always very resourceful and well connected. In that Labuan trip, we stayed with your long-time friends and saved some money in hotel so that we could shop more. 

Both are sweet memories of our precious time together. I love you, mum. 

Your daughter, 

Tyng-Tyng

xoxo

Christmas without mum

Missing a person is a continuous tense. You miss her all the time, most of the time and somehow it is impossible to forget her. This will be the first Christmas without mum. We could almost feel that she is still around, giving suggestions and ideas on menu and gifts. We feel that she is part of us, among us. Just that she is invisible to our eyes but we all can feel her in our heart.

I will miss mum for every festive seasons. She is the anchor for festival celebrations for our families. In fact, she used to be the life of the family parties in that she planned, financed, shopped, cooked, entertained and made sure all were included and had a good time. Her menu was a long list. She could cook up a storm in no time. Sometimes she enlisted my Aunt Tsin to help and most of the time, she cooked alone. There was a period, dad would cook his famous Beef Rendang dish, the award winning dish, famous among the BCCM KK congregations !

Even when she was ill and unwell, she remembered to remind us to celebrate. Even when she could not eat much, she still wanted us to have certain food ready. It is difficult to grow up not liking food in my household. It is hard not to be hospitable when you have been trained by your own mum to show endless hospitality. She is almost like a goddess of hospitality. She never thought about her living room as too small to entertain certain number of guests, she could count on overflow to the car porch. She never thought of protocol and what happened when a VVIP showed up and we did not have a proper sofa seat for him or her. She never really worried about the food was not good enough for certain VVIP guests. To her, she entertained from her heart, her passion and her best.

So, this is the first Christmas without mum, there is a sense of soberness in the air. In honour of her, I have asked my kids to tone down our Christmas decorations in our home. We picked White as our theme and we tried not to put up too many. The results was great. We all like it. Simple and White. Not too elaborate.

I remember the cakes she would ask me to prepare so that she could give them to her friends, nurses and doctors who looked after her. She even suggested to pay me for those gifts and I would declined as it is only right to bless those who have blessed her so much.

And so, mum's Christmas Legacy and Traditions linger on in our family, to us as Children, we miss after celebrating Christmas with her for the past 40 plus years. For dad, it is a void that nothing can fill as he missed her after 51 years of Christmas celebrations. For a memory like this, I will drink to it. Cheers, mum, we all love you very much. You are just part of us. Your legacy will live on within us.

Christmas 2015

~ 525 Words

Letter to Mum

My Dearest Mum,

I miss you and think of you often. I still cannot completely grasp the fact that you are gone and no more here with us. Your presence is still so real to us. The last good bye and last conversation was still fresh in my mind. In my busy moments, sometimes I recall how I have missed seeing you more frequent. 

When you were sick and less mobile, meeting up and seeing you have to be very intentional. Even though we live in the same city, seven minutes car journey and we are not always able to meet more than once a week. It  has to be a very intentional effort to go and see you. I need to keep my schedule to include visiting you and yet very often, things got crowded into my time and took my opportunities to see you. It was very clear that I did not make that a priority to have you close. 

When I did go and visit and meet with you, I often did not do a good job. I felt most accomplished if I have bought you a gift or food that you were pleased with. You were such a dear, everything could make you happy, well almost, there were moments I bought the wrong food that you rejected. But more often than not, I would see you by sitting in a distance from you, watching you closely from the sofa chair. I did not know why I did not sit next to you and chat and feel you. I guess it was painful to see you in a bad shape or your colour not so bright. I refused to see you like that, I wanted to remember you when you were well. But alas, I was fooling myself, actually in those weak moments, that was when you missed us the most and when you needed us the most. Yet, I was too blinded to understand that. 

I still call you "Mama" and think of you. I call you with love from within, knowing that I have owned my life to you for carrying me for nine months and I gave you a long labour when I got stuck in the birth canal for a while. You have been a great mum for us all. You were a pioneer and an achiever who would not settle for anything second best. What you could seemingly achieve, you will strive for it. You did not wait for opportunities to show up, you created opportunities for things to happen. That made you a super mum and we were a most fortunate bunch of children.

Sometimes in the silence of the night, there was a stir among the cats, dogs barking, I thought I could feel your presence close. Just a wishful thinking that you have come back to visit us. As impossible as it seems, you were very near to me at those times. 

I just want you to know that we are coping well and we are trying to take care of dad. Dad has been recovering from the grief of losing you. He was traumatised for days and weeks when he lost you. Initially, he kept forgetting that you have passed on, he still remembered that we should bring food to you in hospital as he realised that you were absent from the house. He could not remember your last moments and was really disturbed to think he could have missed saying good bye, being there at your final moments and doing all the funeral for you. He cried really bad and he cried out loud. He grieves like none other because he grieves afresh each time he forgot that you have passed on and he mourned and cried like he just knew it. In a day, he could have such fresh grieving for more than 7 times. How painful it is to see him to be in such a state. 

My dearest Mama, I know that you have been holding on longer than more patients in your state, just because you wanted to be with dad and us. You put dad's interests first and you willingly endured the suffering of dialysis three times a week for 12 years. 

I am sorry that I did not go into the house when I reached your house on the Monday 28 September  7:30pm before I left for KL conference. I saw that the gate was locked and I did not make an attempt to go in. I am sorry that when your heart stopped on 1 October, I was not at home and not there for you. I am sorry that after you were in coma, I saw you for a while and then left for Brunei to bring Elliot for exam. I was sure that you would let me do that for his sake. I am sorry that after my Brunei trip, I was only able to be with you for a whole night on 3 October and then on Sunday, I took a long nap and was too tired to stay with you in the hospital. I only returned at 10:15pm with the others to pray for you and then you left us at 11:28pm. I did not expect you to go so soon. I was expecting to say a few group good byes to you in the next few days. Everyone saw that you were suffering and we were in agreement to ask God to stop your pain. 

Today is the 20th day since your passing on the 4 October. It seems like just yesterday and it has the illusion of a dream. I wish you well with Jesus and I know you are fully well, released from the world's burden and care. Did you know that we have visited your grave twice, once on the 3rd day and the other on the 10th day which was a Awal Muharram holiday. We brought your favourite Lilies each time we went. 

I miss you, Mama. I love you, Mama. Please pray for us from heaven. 

Love,

Ah Tyng Moi

Your Daughter

Grieving after mum's passing

During the Funeral Service, Elliot, my eldest son having a last farewell with grandma, Daryl be the last one to say Good Bye to her.

Nothing could prepare us for eventual separation from death
No matter how sick, how ill, how demanding taking care of the sick
We would rather have our loved ones with us for another day, another hour
Not everyday on earth is a day to celebrate
As our loved ones become sick and dying bit by bit
How does one prepare to die ?

No one tells us that grieving is more than crying
The heart torn apart in the midst of pain

The mind racing to search for treasured memories

We ache in thoughts we had not done enough

Ignorance, negligence, we should have done more

How to make peace over this ? 

Death forces us to bide good bye

A cruel reality that we shall meet no more

When tomorrow comes, we can't greet Good Morning

When night falls, we can't say Good Night

We start to miss what we take for granted

How do we bide permanent farewell ?

Every little thing reminds us of our good times

We call to mind what have been said

Such wisdom, so candid, so unforgettable

Death makes all these into memories

Rainbows, rains and darkness make our memory more intense

How can we ever forget ? 

At the end of sobbing
At the end of crying
With every tear drops

With every tissue

Every grief is unique
Special to the person we miss

My mum - the Lily of the Valley

Lily of the valley has the flower meaning of humility, chastity, sweetness, purity and is said to bring luck in love. It also means "the return of happiness" which is the reason why it is often used as decorations in weddings. Convallaria majalis or lily of the valley usually bloom in the month of May. This May flower is also known as the May lily. The alternate May birth flower is the lily of any variety. Lily of the valley is native to temperate areas of Asia, Europe, and North America, where it grows naturally in woodland settings.


"Lily Of The Valley"

I have found a friend in Jesus, He's everything to me,
He's the fairest of ten thousand to my soul;
The Lily of the Valley, in Him alone I see,
All my needs to cleanse and make me fully whole.

In sorrow He's my comfort, in trouble He's my stay,
He tells me every care on Him to roll;
He's the Lily of the Valley, the Bright and Morning Star,
He's the fairest of ten thousand to my soul.

He will never, never leave me, nor yet forsake me here,
While I live by faith and do His bless'd will;
A wall of fire about me, I've nothing now to fear,
From His manna He my hungry soul shall fill.

Then sweeping up to glory to see His bless'd face,
Where the rivers of delight shall ever roll;
He's the Lily of the Valley, the Bright and Morning Star,
He's the fairest of ten thousand to my soul...

Written by George Jones