I miss you and think of you often. I still cannot completely grasp the fact that you are gone and no more here with us. Your presence is still so real to us. The last good bye and last conversation was still fresh in my mind. In my busy moments, sometimes I recall how I have missed seeing you more frequent.
When you were sick and less mobile, meeting up and seeing you have to be very intentional. Even though we live in the same city, seven minutes car journey and we are not always able to meet more than once a week. It has to be a very intentional effort to go and see you. I need to keep my schedule to include visiting you and yet very often, things got crowded into my time and took my opportunities to see you. It was very clear that I did not make that a priority to have you close.
When I did go and visit and meet with you, I often did not do a good job. I felt most accomplished if I have bought you a gift or food that you were pleased with. You were such a dear, everything could make you happy, well almost, there were moments I bought the wrong food that you rejected. But more often than not, I would see you by sitting in a distance from you, watching you closely from the sofa chair. I did not know why I did not sit next to you and chat and feel you. I guess it was painful to see you in a bad shape or your colour not so bright. I refused to see you like that, I wanted to remember you when you were well. But alas, I was fooling myself, actually in those weak moments, that was when you missed us the most and when you needed us the most. Yet, I was too blinded to understand that.
I still call you "Mama" and think of you. I call you with love from within, knowing that I have owned my life to you for carrying me for nine months and I gave you a long labour when I got stuck in the birth canal for a while. You have been a great mum for us all. You were a pioneer and an achiever who would not settle for anything second best. What you could seemingly achieve, you will strive for it. You did not wait for opportunities to show up, you created opportunities for things to happen. That made you a super mum and we were a most fortunate bunch of children.
Sometimes in the silence of the night, there was a stir among the cats, dogs barking, I thought I could feel your presence close. Just a wishful thinking that you have come back to visit us. As impossible as it seems, you were very near to me at those times.
I just want you to know that we are coping well and we are trying to take care of dad. Dad has been recovering from the grief of losing you. He was traumatised for days and weeks when he lost you. Initially, he kept forgetting that you have passed on, he still remembered that we should bring food to you in hospital as he realised that you were absent from the house. He could not remember your last moments and was really disturbed to think he could have missed saying good bye, being there at your final moments and doing all the funeral for you. He cried really bad and he cried out loud. He grieves like none other because he grieves afresh each time he forgot that you have passed on and he mourned and cried like he just knew it. In a day, he could have such fresh grieving for more than 7 times. How painful it is to see him to be in such a state.
My dearest Mama, I know that you have been holding on longer than more patients in your state, just because you wanted to be with dad and us. You put dad's interests first and you willingly endured the suffering of dialysis three times a week for 12 years.
I am sorry that I did not go into the house when I reached your house on the Monday 28 September 7:30pm before I left for KL conference. I saw that the gate was locked and I did not make an attempt to go in. I am sorry that when your heart stopped on 1 October, I was not at home and not there for you. I am sorry that after you were in coma, I saw you for a while and then left for Brunei to bring Elliot for exam. I was sure that you would let me do that for his sake. I am sorry that after my Brunei trip, I was only able to be with you for a whole night on 3 October and then on Sunday, I took a long nap and was too tired to stay with you in the hospital. I only returned at 10:15pm with the others to pray for you and then you left us at 11:28pm. I did not expect you to go so soon. I was expecting to say a few group good byes to you in the next few days. Everyone saw that you were suffering and we were in agreement to ask God to stop your pain.
Today is the 20th day since your passing on the 4 October. It seems like just yesterday and it has the illusion of a dream. I wish you well with Jesus and I know you are fully well, released from the world's burden and care. Did you know that we have visited your grave twice, once on the 3rd day and the other on the 10th day which was a Awal Muharram holiday. We brought your favourite Lilies each time we went.
I miss you, Mama. I love you, Mama. Please pray for us from heaven.
Love,
Ah Tyng Moi
Your Daughter
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