Toxic personality is present in every day's living. Whether we like it or not, they are here to stay. What exactly is toxic personality and what do they do that makes them be graded as toxic ? Well, for one thing, they contribute to the negative emotions of any circumstances, watch as they surface, because it is not just in bad moments that they will say something negative, they are capable to turn a pleasant moments into doubtful and tearful emotions too.
The key factor is the domineering personality, not loudly but forcefully through behaviors and statements they make about life standards. Often, they will glorify in details how others have fallen short of the standards implying that they have maintained the high standards. They create doubts in the listeners that they also are not good enough. The statements are harmless on their own but it has an under-tune shadow meaning if you listen in carefully. The person is saying one thing but implying another. If you are not alert, you will miss the points.
"I expect higher standard than this." - This is not good enough.
"Anybody can do this." - This is the job for idiot.
"You all wouldn't be able to sleep after this audit." - You guys get ready for hell.
"I believe whoever still uses this XYZ belongs to the dinosaur age." - You are so obsolete that I could delete you from the face of the earth.
"I believe this is all the faults of Ms ABC." - I blame you for every faults we are about to hear.
They have the capability to reverse work ethics and in a moment, they could wrong the rights and right their own wrongs. They could explain themselves out that what they have been doing as wrong is now the gospel truths while those who have been doing right is wrong all these while. How does that reverse ethics come to be ? Shocking and really shocking !
They could make lone-task worker look greater than the team work, shame on the team, one entire team just got wiped out by one lone worker. They imply that the whole team is just not good enough. This is like reverse synergy in actions. They agonise over how badly the team performance is over their lone-ranger achievement. They basically want to frame that we are wrong and to be blamed.
When the negative emotions set in to the listeners, it will make them feel bad, rotten, guilty and angry. Often, they are caught off-guarded, they are not prepared for these tactics especially in meeting with other peers and bosses.
In the course of my 25 years career and working in volunteer works for 10 years, I have met many such toxic personality. In fact, they are my friends, colleagues, comrades. They could make those statements while sitting just next to me and informing everyone in the meeting that I am the culprit, the idiot and the guy in the Wrong while he or she is the Mr / Ms Right ! I have come home from those confrontational meetings, with a part of me died in the process, my personality has been crucified as a public disgrace to all to see, my ego and pride went down the drain. I have done both extremes of strong reactions - shout back with stronger words to defend myself and remaining silence like a lamb.
I have found some reactions useful that keep my sanity and does not hurt my health that much. Needless to say, after each episode of character massacre, we die a little inside, we are hurt, injured and need time to heal. It is probably impossible to have complete healing but healing is a journey and remember whatever that does not kill us will just make us stronger ! Here are some of my life-saving tactics each time I meet a toxic personality.
Give that personality a name. Name that which hurts you and it helps to explain why you are so exhausted after just a meeting of hearing them out. I often call these toxic personality a name - Energy Sucker. That is who they are and what they do. I could go into a meeting with high hopes of doing something great for the project, I came out depleted of all hope, feeling sorry for the project, my ego crashed. You could call them differently, the Yang Energy, the Sadist etc.
Choose ears carefully before you speak. Chances are the Toxic personality would have poisoned every one's mind about your character and changed their minds about your seemingly overly helpfulness as motive before your own agenda. So, choose who you share with carefully. You do not need a lot of ears to listen to you, just choose the ones who could really listen, empathise and gives you good advise. Friends who stand by you no matter what others say of you. Friends who love you even when you are painted as unlovable. Run tho these friends and have a tearful sharing to voice out your grievances.
Silence is golden. The best revenge for the toxic personality is to see them drink their own poison portions. There is no need to defend yourself before toxic personality. It is their great delight to see you having the need or urge to defend yourself. The defense will be seen as your lame excuses to cover your obvious wrongs. Say less rather than more. There is no need to provide an answer to the accusations they made of you. The truth is whichever stood the test in the long run is the winner.
Ignore and move on. It will be great to say that we could forgive and forget. To forgive is such benevolent act of love. Well, you do not have to force yourself to do that. Ignore and move on is a good option. Work on your own life, improve yourself. After every toxic encounter, remind yourself to come out taller, stronger, firmer, better so that you could go higher and further !
Guard your heart from then on. Once the toxic personality has been identified by you and others, just guard your heart carefully, guard it so that it will not be hardened or hurt again. Remind yourself that you do not deserve to be treated so poorly, leave them alone and walk out as a free person. Stop lamenting your sorrowful stage, instead think of their sorrowful stage.
